Feb.17th

It started out a normal Friday, except for the fact Brooke had no school. I kept trying to think of fun things we could do to make it fun-since plans of going to the snow fell through, I wanted to make it a fun day off. We decided we would go to the park the kids had been begging for the last three days and then go see Aunt Carly's new baby, Kate. We were all anxious to see her. So it started off with the normal routine. Wake up, exercise, get kids breakfast, shower. I had an 8:30 appointment. I was excited to schedule the appointment to find out the sex of the baby. I was going to try to do it on my birthday (hoping they would still do it that late, since it would be over 21 weeks by then.) But in my mind, i thought that would be a really fun birthday present.
While managing the business of the morning, Ben told me a few times that he had woke up feeling really anxious and couldn't shake it. I thought to myself, 'Shoot, i was going to zone you last week-put that on my list for this weekend.' I kept telling him, "Its probably your appointments for work today." He nodded, but wasn't convinced. I headed out to my appointment and confirmed again to Ben that i would be back in time for him to be at his work appointment in plenty of time.
(This next part I am writing 3 weeks later. I just couldn't bring myself to write it down)
In the next 20 minutes my life turned upside down. I did the normal-weight, pee in a cup, blood pressure. And then waited patiently for the Dr. She came in and we chatted a bit. She wanted me to get an early diabetes test because of the size of my last baby (even though it was totally negative last pregnancy-what can i say, Jackson was just a big boy), but i talked her out of it. We chatted about the itchyness I had experienced most of the pregnancy. And then she wanted to check the heart beat. She was not finding it and kept saying, "It took a while to find it last time, right?" I said yes, and was still really calm, in my own blissful world. After about a minute, she looked distraught and said, "There are only two of us in the office today, come with me, we are going to an ultra-sound room. I am sure there is one available." She grabbed all of my stuff and headed out the door. Surprisingly at this point I was very calm. And then we got into the room. Within 10 seconds she just said, "I am so sorry." And I knew immediately. I don't know if I have ever cried that hard in front of someone before. She had to get another doctor to confirm that the baby was gone. Through some of the tears I blurted out one or two of the MILLION questions that were racing through my jumbled mind. "Was it because I was traveling?....Did I do too much?....How could I have known?..." In the most kind and sensitive way she just kept reassuring me that it wasn't my fault. There was nothing I could have done. She assured me that my lifestyle did not fit one that would cause this. She let me cry for a bit and kept giving me tissues. And then I asked, "What do I do now?" She very kindly gave me all of the options. Told me I didn't have to make a decision now. My head was spinning and I wished with all my heart Ben was there with me. She asked me if she should call my husband, or someone, or if I wanted to be alone for a few minutes. Then she left the room telling me I could take as long as I needed. I then sat there for a minute or so, feeling lost and alone and empty. Trying to muster up any strength to walk, I finally got up and got my purse to call Ben. As I was reaching for my phone, it began to ring. Thankfully it was Ben. I couldn't even get the words out of the sobs. He knew immediately. He told me he would come get me. I declined and made my way out of the office, somehow getting myself to the car. I felt like I was sludging through thick air and I couldn't breathe. Thankfully the Dr. office was only 3 minutes away. I made it home somehow. I walked into the house and just wanted to hold my kids. I was grasping at a void that would not be filled, but trying so hard to console myself by holding the kids so close. We sat on the couch as a family and I tried to explain to the kids what had happened. I couldn't even get it out. Livy and Brooke just kept saying, "why are you crying." I answered with "You know how mommy has a baby growing in her tummy, well sometimes..." And the words wouldn't come. I was empty. Finally I finished with, "sometimes babies just stop growing." As my eyes searched ben's for help in explaining, Brooke immediately started crying hysterically. "You mean the baby died. We aren't going to have a baby anymore." Her body was shaking as she sobbed. Thankfully Ben was holding her tight. It felt like a knife was going through my heart. It hurt so bad. And it felt like the pain just continued as we meddled through the options and the decisions of the week ahead of us. Thankfully my parents came over and took the kids for a bit while Ben and i discussed what we were going to do and called the doctor with more questions. The fog of emotions, the heartache and the emptiness had just begun.

Livy

Livy absolutely LOVES game! That is the first thing she asks when she wakes up. "Will you play a game with me."
Livy loves riding her bike, gymnastics and playing spies with Calvin.
She loves joy school, but still tries to act like she is shy when i drop her off.
She is always trying to "play" on the computer. (Meaning rearrange everything on the desktop and delete things into the abyss, never to be found)
She is constantly begging to do her homework. (which makes not wanting to send her to K next year a bit harder.)
One of her favorite past times is playing family and being Jackson's "Mom"

Learning

Brooke taught me a great lesson this morning while we were making her lunch. Here is how it went,
"Mom ____ and ____ were making fun of me last time because I have peanut butter on my pancakes. They said its really gross and made faces."
Me:" What did you say?" But without letting her answer and kind of in a sarcastic voice I retorted with "Did you tell them that things they might eat are really gross?"
Brooke, "No, but it hurt my feelings."
Me, in a bit of a frustrated/mother hen protective voice, "Well, next time you tell them that " (but i didn't get to finish), because Brooke quickly cut me off with, "Mom, that's not what Jesus would do."
I stopped dead in my tracks- silently saying a prayer of gratitude that I have a daughter with such a kind heart that is teaching me so much about life.
And then said, "You're right. Maybe next time you could just tell them that it hurts your feeling when they make fun of you."

Another lost tooth

Brooke's first two lost teeth were very anti-climatic. The first one she lost when we were walking out of the church one evening last march after practicing the piano. All of the sudden she turned around and said, "my tooth fell out." The next one came out while she was jumping on the trampoline at MaKenzie's house in UT this last summer. So it was a fun evening of pulling out teeth tonight. I think it helped that she had already lost a few, because she was excited about it instead of being scared. Here is the video. It was really fun!

tidbits

It seems lately that we have been up to a lot of things and nothing at the same time. How does that work? Here are few snippets of what we have been doing:

• Ben SURPRISED me and stole me away for dinner and a night in Capitola. It was so great! We caught up on our anniversary binder that we hadn't done in July.


• The weather was unbelievable so I pulled Brooke out of school early and headed to the beach. It was absolutely gorgeous. 78 degrees and not a cloud in the sky, a slight breeze so you weren't too hot. September and October seem to be the best beach days, why can't we start school in November around here...enjoy the sunshine that didn't show up until August it seems.


• I have been watching my sister-in-laws five kids for a few days. Wow, its a lot of kids.


• Ben and I crashed my in-laws ward party and learned a little ballroom dancing. It was so fun. Kind of takes you back to college days.


• I went to Vegas for a foot zoning conference. Always so much information. You feel like your head is exploding.


• We got to hang out with Ryan when he came into town. It was only a few hours, but it is always so good to see old friends.


• We went camping to Henry Cowell Park in Santa Cruz mountains. It was fun to hang out with my volleyball teammates outside of the court.


• The kids and I are taking advantage of early out Wednesdays and trying to go somewhere fun on those days. We have gone to some water parks in pleasanton and dublin. The children's discovery museum. swimming and the beach.


• The girls started gymnastics. They absolutely love it. And I love this gym, much better than the one we went to last year.

It finally feels like we are in a good routine with schedules. Brooke loves her teacher and Livy is in heaven in Joy School. And Jackson, well he is another story. Absolutely perfect angel baby turned terrible toddler. I guess he is making up for lost time.

Cool House

Ben's co-worker gave us a window air conditioning unit. It has been on now for about 8 minutes and it is literally changing the atmosphere around here...not just the air. Hallelujah!

Annual Boardwalk Trip

We did our annual summer boardwalk trip with all of our friends two nights before school started. As usual, it was a blast! We walked on every ride-because a lot of the kids had already started school, so it was pretty empty. This year Laurel and I went early and went to the beach before the cheap rides at 5. it was the most beautiful day we have had at the beach in a LONG time. We saw so many dolphins about 20 yard off the shore, thousands of birds, and tons of seals. It was a great day and a very fun evening. Can't wait to go again next summer.