One Month

It has been exactly a month since I delivered. Sometimes it feels like it was a months, even years ago. And sometimes it feels like yesterday. The heartache isn't totally empty and abyss like anymore. It is still sad at times. I have moment i just start crying still, but the moments are fewer. I think about her a lot- but it isn't ALWAYS on my mind. My body is healing too, so that is less of a constant reminder of the loss. I am starting to feel like myself more. I have a lot more joy lately. For a while there, even when I was feeling "good"- I still felt like I wouldn't ever feel myself again. I thought there would forever be a sense of loss in my heart. Thankfully, that is healing too. It isn't as much an abyss of a dark hole in my soul, now it seems that there are flickers of strong light slowly filling that stark emptiness. At times I feel panges of guilt for this sense of joy and solace, but that is overshadowed with gladness that my soul is healing and it is another testimony to me that my Savior loves me. That He really can heal our hearts.

My friend gave me an incredible book that has helped me immensely. I realize my feelings are totally normal and it has given me so much comfort. She has helped me so much, just being able to ask her questions and tell her things. Thanks, Cheri.

We went to the Temple last week. It was exactly a month since I had found out I had lost the baby. I was really nervous about how I was going to be. It was hard, but it brought so much comfort to be in a place where I felt so much peace knowing that my family is sealed forever. That I will see that baby girl of mine one day and she will be mine to hold. She is part of our forever family.

I held (I mean really held-I had tried before, but it was too hard) my 6 week old niece, Kate last week. It was therapeutic and heart wrenching all at the same time. As I cuddled her newborn smell into my neck as she slept I thought about all these little moments I would be missing with my baby girl. The little noises, the baby stretches, the late nights and the incredible peacefulness that comes from having a baby straight from heaven in your arms. It brought back the indescribable hollowness that felt like it would be there for eternity. Then I started thinking about how holding that baby was the closest thing I would be to my baby. Her little spirit was just there with Rebecca. I am sure they were good friends. Maybe their relationship was like Chloe and Livy or Calvin and Livy, two head strong girls that are inseparable and can't stand to be apart but really push each others' buttons. Or maybe they were kindred spirits like Brooke and Cami that just play quietly together all day long. It brought a bit joy to my battered soul to think about how she was just there with her. It made it so I was able to soak in that little newborn for a minute, even if it wasn't my own. Reveling in that little Spirit that had just come from heaven with Jesus, and my little Rebecca.

Dresses

Yesterday we went to get shoes for Jackson. When we walked in, there were some pretty Easter dresses in the front of the store. Livy immediately started asking if she could get one for her and Brooke. I toyed with the idea and looked at the different styles, sizes, and prices. As we were browsing, Livia said, "Mom, if baby Rebecca were here she could wear that dress when she turned 2."pointing to this purple and green dress. My heart kind of skipped a beat and then sank. I wanted to cry, but i didn't want all the emotions to come out right there in the store. I pushed them back really hard and smiled at Livy and said, "You're right. She would look so pretty in it." I decided right then that I would buy those dresses just so I would remember that moment. Not necessarily how sad I was that I wouldn't see Rebecca in the dress, but how glad I was that Livy had a place in her heart for her baby sister that she had never met.

Peace

Yesterday, on Leap Year, we buried baby Rebecca. It was more perfect than I could have ever imagined. It was just the five of us. And it was incredibly peaceful. It was very cold, but the sun was shining brightly (it was perfect because the sun was only for about 2 hours that day). There was a crisp, cleanness in the air. Ben had dug the grave earlier in the week, and cleared a beautiful spot where we had chosen together. The girls found petals from the nearby tree and started filling the grave with them and putting them on the beautiful box my dad had made for her. They were singing and happy and talking about how baby Rebecca was in heaven. Brooke explained very briefly to Livia, while they were decorating the box, that Rebecca was already living with Jesus again. Livy looked a little confused, when she looked at the box, Brooke quickly added that her spirit was already with Jesus. It was heart warming and joyful to know that my children know that we are a family forever. We took pictures and just dilly-dallied around with plants and played on the logs nearby. We said a prayer and sang songs and explained again about the Plan of Salvation, the blessing of being an eternal family because Ben and I were married in the Temple, how we will be able to see baby Rebecca when we die. Ben dedicated the grave and we let off some pink balloons. The spirit was so abundant and peaceful, I felt like it was a blanket hovering over us. Yes, there were tears shed and my heart ached a little when I thought about our family missing out on having this beautiful little girl and her tangible love and spirit in our home in the coming years. But overall, I felt joy and peace knowing she was in a good place. The knowledge and belief in the Gospel of Jesus Christ truly brings joy and love in our lives, even during hard times.

Ups

This morning has been a good day. I got up with Jackson's firsts babbling, instead of rolling over and feeling the burdens sink me deeper in my bed. The last week I have just layed there trying to push away the feelings of depression as I think about starting another day and facing all the emotions and just wait for Ben to get up with Jackson. But I got up and moved forward with the day. Jackson and I read some books and did puzzles. I just cherished his good mood. I walked out to the kitchen to find the 5 vases of incredibly beautiful flowers filling the room with sunshine, even though it was raining outside. I made a mental note that today I was choosing to have a good day. I still cried at the sight of some bibs in the drawer. I still cried in the shower, like everyday. The water seems to help the tears flow and then wipe them away. But at least i got in the shower before noon. This journey is tough, but the burdens feel lighter each day.

Feelings

The last 24 hours I find myself in a dream-like state picturing Rebecca as a little girl. For some reason I picture her with Jackson's coloring. I wonder if she would have Livy's outward stubbornness and spunk with that hidden softness. Or would she be more gentle and incredibly sensitive like Brooke. Would she have been a quiet baby and toddler like Jackson? I am sure she would have been chunky like all my babies.
In all of this experience, I have learned again how much our Heavenly Father and our Savior love us. Contrary to what I would've thought some of my reactions would have been, I have never felt mad or angry. Instead I was constantly filled with peace, even when the fog felt thick and numb. I had a deep seeded peace. Even when i had so many fears and unknowns I had a quiet, but incredibly strong testimony in my whole body that everything would be okay. My testimony of the amazing powers of the Atonement were strengthened even more. Along with the healing powers, came the constant reminder that even if my questions weren't answered here and at this time-everything was taken care of. I still feel the natural feelings of indescribable sadness, but I know it will be okay. I still feel like i walk around not knowing what to do at times, like my mind can't focus. But through it all i feel wrapped in the comfort of the Savior. I have comfort knowing the plan of salvation. Its time like these that the knowledge of eternal families and being sealed in the Temple brings a joy that can never be overshadowed.

February 26th

As I stood over the sink washing dishes and cleaning up dinner, it hit me again-like it seems to do every few hours, or minutes sometimes. The tears started flooding, at least this time they were a little more controllable. I thought how just 10 short hours ago, i delivered a little baby girl. I know there was an incredible warmth in that hospital room, but even with the power of all the pleaded prayers and the peace that hung over us and enveloped us, I still felt like my heart was breaking. Looking back, it was a sharp dichotomy of pure sorrow coupled with immense peace.

Instead of the thick fog and the indescribable numbness that I lived in the week before, constantly fearing the unknown that lay ahead-would I ever go into labor, would my body let me deliver this baby, would i be able to find out the gender, or would I always have those deep questions leering in the pit of my stomach forever if I had to do the surgery. Rather now, i just have sharps pangs of sadness. Heartache wishing i could hold that baby and watch her grow to be the little person God had in mind. As I thought about the birthing experience- it felt like it had happened days or even weeks ago. But when I glanced at the clock it was only hours before. It felt surreal.

It felt so good to have Brooke, Livia and Jackson at the hospital and to come home with them. Although it was chaos as

usual the minute they walked through that door, I had learned more immensely than ever in

the short hours before, to cherish each moment with them. i smiled while Brooke and Livy played with the hospital bed. Asking kindly not to play with it too much, instead of being frustrated like I usually would have been.

When we got home, I was excited to lay on the floor and play memory with Livy. I was feeling joy and gratitude for the three children I was so privileged to look after in this life. After the game I stayed laying on the floor. My mind quickly went back to the memory of delivering that little baby girl in the hospital that morning. I thought about the name we had chosen, Rebecca Ann. The tears couldn't be stopped and I felt so much gratitude for my Father in Heaven. That he blessed me to be able to birth that baby and finding out the gender. I was overcome with this endless joy that i just felt like that was the most perfect and beautiful name for this little girl. I started dreaming of what she would be like as a toddler. What would she look like, what would her personality be like, would she have been a good sleeper? And then that enormous sadness set in-how i wished so badly i could raise that child now. How much i wanted to cuddle her as a newborn. How much I wanted to see my older kids interact with Rebecca. So many wishes in my heart. My sadness was slowly overcome with gratitude again that the Lord granted me the greatest wish in my heart, to deliver this baby and find out the gender. And in the process, I was able to feel the love of my Savior by feeling the peace that comes from knowing the Atonement works everything out. I was able to feel the constant love and support from my husband. I was reminded again of what an incredible man I am married to. Even through this very hard mortal experience-we are truly blessed. The blessings of the knowledge of the Gospel of Jesus Christ are etched on your heart more than ever before. Families are eternal. My testimony of this has let me feel light and hope during this sad and hard time, instead of emptiness and despair. Even when it is hard-there are so many blessings.

Feb.17th

It started out a normal Friday, except for the fact Brooke had no school. I kept trying to think of fun things we could do to make it fun-since plans of going to the snow fell through, I wanted to make it a fun day off. We decided we would go to the park the kids had been begging for the last three days and then go see Aunt Carly's new baby, Kate. We were all anxious to see her. So it started off with the normal routine. Wake up, exercise, get kids breakfast, shower. I had an 8:30 appointment. I was excited to schedule the appointment to find out the sex of the baby. I was going to try to do it on my birthday (hoping they would still do it that late, since it would be over 21 weeks by then.) But in my mind, i thought that would be a really fun birthday present.
While managing the business of the morning, Ben told me a few times that he had woke up feeling really anxious and couldn't shake it. I thought to myself, 'Shoot, i was going to zone you last week-put that on my list for this weekend.' I kept telling him, "Its probably your appointments for work today." He nodded, but wasn't convinced. I headed out to my appointment and confirmed again to Ben that i would be back in time for him to be at his work appointment in plenty of time.
(This next part I am writing 3 weeks later. I just couldn't bring myself to write it down)
In the next 20 minutes my life turned upside down. I did the normal-weight, pee in a cup, blood pressure. And then waited patiently for the Dr. She came in and we chatted a bit. She wanted me to get an early diabetes test because of the size of my last baby (even though it was totally negative last pregnancy-what can i say, Jackson was just a big boy), but i talked her out of it. We chatted about the itchyness I had experienced most of the pregnancy. And then she wanted to check the heart beat. She was not finding it and kept saying, "It took a while to find it last time, right?" I said yes, and was still really calm, in my own blissful world. After about a minute, she looked distraught and said, "There are only two of us in the office today, come with me, we are going to an ultra-sound room. I am sure there is one available." She grabbed all of my stuff and headed out the door. Surprisingly at this point I was very calm. And then we got into the room. Within 10 seconds she just said, "I am so sorry." And I knew immediately. I don't know if I have ever cried that hard in front of someone before. She had to get another doctor to confirm that the baby was gone. Through some of the tears I blurted out one or two of the MILLION questions that were racing through my jumbled mind. "Was it because I was traveling?....Did I do too much?....How could I have known?..." In the most kind and sensitive way she just kept reassuring me that it wasn't my fault. There was nothing I could have done. She assured me that my lifestyle did not fit one that would cause this. She let me cry for a bit and kept giving me tissues. And then I asked, "What do I do now?" She very kindly gave me all of the options. Told me I didn't have to make a decision now. My head was spinning and I wished with all my heart Ben was there with me. She asked me if she should call my husband, or someone, or if I wanted to be alone for a few minutes. Then she left the room telling me I could take as long as I needed. I then sat there for a minute or so, feeling lost and alone and empty. Trying to muster up any strength to walk, I finally got up and got my purse to call Ben. As I was reaching for my phone, it began to ring. Thankfully it was Ben. I couldn't even get the words out of the sobs. He knew immediately. He told me he would come get me. I declined and made my way out of the office, somehow getting myself to the car. I felt like I was sludging through thick air and I couldn't breathe. Thankfully the Dr. office was only 3 minutes away. I made it home somehow. I walked into the house and just wanted to hold my kids. I was grasping at a void that would not be filled, but trying so hard to console myself by holding the kids so close. We sat on the couch as a family and I tried to explain to the kids what had happened. I couldn't even get it out. Livy and Brooke just kept saying, "why are you crying." I answered with "You know how mommy has a baby growing in her tummy, well sometimes..." And the words wouldn't come. I was empty. Finally I finished with, "sometimes babies just stop growing." As my eyes searched ben's for help in explaining, Brooke immediately started crying hysterically. "You mean the baby died. We aren't going to have a baby anymore." Her body was shaking as she sobbed. Thankfully Ben was holding her tight. It felt like a knife was going through my heart. It hurt so bad. And it felt like the pain just continued as we meddled through the options and the decisions of the week ahead of us. Thankfully my parents came over and took the kids for a bit while Ben and i discussed what we were going to do and called the doctor with more questions. The fog of emotions, the heartache and the emptiness had just begun.