February 26th

As I stood over the sink washing dishes and cleaning up dinner, it hit me again-like it seems to do every few hours, or minutes sometimes. The tears started flooding, at least this time they were a little more controllable. I thought how just 10 short hours ago, i delivered a little baby girl. I know there was an incredible warmth in that hospital room, but even with the power of all the pleaded prayers and the peace that hung over us and enveloped us, I still felt like my heart was breaking. Looking back, it was a sharp dichotomy of pure sorrow coupled with immense peace.

Instead of the thick fog and the indescribable numbness that I lived in the week before, constantly fearing the unknown that lay ahead-would I ever go into labor, would my body let me deliver this baby, would i be able to find out the gender, or would I always have those deep questions leering in the pit of my stomach forever if I had to do the surgery. Rather now, i just have sharps pangs of sadness. Heartache wishing i could hold that baby and watch her grow to be the little person God had in mind. As I thought about the birthing experience- it felt like it had happened days or even weeks ago. But when I glanced at the clock it was only hours before. It felt surreal.

It felt so good to have Brooke, Livia and Jackson at the hospital and to come home with them. Although it was chaos as

usual the minute they walked through that door, I had learned more immensely than ever in

the short hours before, to cherish each moment with them. i smiled while Brooke and Livy played with the hospital bed. Asking kindly not to play with it too much, instead of being frustrated like I usually would have been.

When we got home, I was excited to lay on the floor and play memory with Livy. I was feeling joy and gratitude for the three children I was so privileged to look after in this life. After the game I stayed laying on the floor. My mind quickly went back to the memory of delivering that little baby girl in the hospital that morning. I thought about the name we had chosen, Rebecca Ann. The tears couldn't be stopped and I felt so much gratitude for my Father in Heaven. That he blessed me to be able to birth that baby and finding out the gender. I was overcome with this endless joy that i just felt like that was the most perfect and beautiful name for this little girl. I started dreaming of what she would be like as a toddler. What would she look like, what would her personality be like, would she have been a good sleeper? And then that enormous sadness set in-how i wished so badly i could raise that child now. How much i wanted to cuddle her as a newborn. How much I wanted to see my older kids interact with Rebecca. So many wishes in my heart. My sadness was slowly overcome with gratitude again that the Lord granted me the greatest wish in my heart, to deliver this baby and find out the gender. And in the process, I was able to feel the love of my Savior by feeling the peace that comes from knowing the Atonement works everything out. I was able to feel the constant love and support from my husband. I was reminded again of what an incredible man I am married to. Even through this very hard mortal experience-we are truly blessed. The blessings of the knowledge of the Gospel of Jesus Christ are etched on your heart more than ever before. Families are eternal. My testimony of this has let me feel light and hope during this sad and hard time, instead of emptiness and despair. Even when it is hard-there are so many blessings.