Napa Vacation

Jackson was surprisingly good with his finger still bandaged up. Thankfully it is healing very nicely.

Kids love hotel rooms. It doesn't seem to matter what kind. As long as there is  a pool, the kids are in heaven. Oh, and a continental breakfast. So when Ben was staying in Napa for a conference last weekend, I decided I would join him with the kids. He was there for three days, so we just headed over there the last afternoon after Brooke got out of school. Even though I knew Ben would be gone the entire time, it would still be a blast for the kids. We got to have dinner with Amber and her new baby Jordan. The kids swam in the pool forever. And Ben even got done with his conference a little bit earlier than expected on saturday, so he got to enjoy the pool with us. It was so much fun. The kids loved it. I felt like I could totally enjoy my kids. There was no schedule, no friends to meet up with, just me and the kids reading books in the hotel and playing in the pool. They loved it!

Coming along...

Brooke is an extremely picky eater. Actually, she isn't that picky when it comes to "regular" food. She will eat noodles, cream of chicken casseroles, or lasagna like a champ. But since she is lactose intolerant and I am trying to cut back on the gluten intake, our meals are nothing of what she wants to eat. But we had a break through today. When I told her we were having rice noodles she didn't wine or complain. And I noticed. So at dinner I complimented her by telling Ben what a great job she did and told the story. She then said, "I really wanted to complain and tell you how much I didn't like them. But instead i just closed my mouth and swallowed the words." And then she demonstrated how big of a swallow it was. It was so cute and it made me so happy that we are actually having some break throughs! Hallelujah.

Made in China

Brooke was so excited when she was looking at her plastic sunglasses and gleefully yelled to Ben and I, "They're not made in China." Ben and I looked at each other and just started laughing. I asked, "Where is it made?" Brooke, "Taiwan." Ben chuckled and said, "Sorry to tell you Brooke, but Taiwan is basically the same as China."  I had no clue Brooke even realized where things were made. But now that she reads,  she really does read everything. And most things say, 'Made in China' somewhere on them. Maybe I should buy more things made in the USA and see if she notices. I should be doing more of that anyway.

Tooth Fairy

On the way home from the beach yesterday, Brooke was eating an apple and her tooth fell out. Of course, she wasn't able to hold onto it for too long before she dropped it somewhere in the car. We searched and searched, but couldn't find it. (I think it just blends in so well with all the other crumbs on the floor of that van. Sad, but true.) Thankfully she wasn't too distraught about it. She very confidently said, "I'll just write the tooth fairy a note." So she did. And I am so happy that the tooth fairy didn't forget this time. Whew! This morning when Brooke woke up and got the dollar from under the pillow she said the cutest thing.

Ben asked, "Did the tooth fairy write you a note about not having your tooth?"

Brooke, "No, Dad. If you loose the tooth you just write the tooth fairy a note. And then you think about really happy things so you dream good dreams and you are smiling in your sleep. And then the tooth fairy can see that you lost your tooth."

So cute!

General Conference

We love this time of year when we can listen to the prophet and apostles of the Church. Their words are powerful and inspired from God.

One Month

It has been exactly a month since I delivered. Sometimes it feels like it was a months, even years ago. And sometimes it feels like yesterday. The heartache isn't totally empty and abyss like anymore. It is still sad at times. I have moment i just start crying still, but the moments are fewer. I think about her a lot- but it isn't ALWAYS on my mind. My body is healing too, so that is less of a constant reminder of the loss. I am starting to feel like myself more. I have a lot more joy lately. For a while there, even when I was feeling "good"- I still felt like I wouldn't ever feel myself again. I thought there would forever be a sense of loss in my heart. Thankfully, that is healing too. It isn't as much an abyss of a dark hole in my soul, now it seems that there are flickers of strong light slowly filling that stark emptiness. At times I feel panges of guilt for this sense of joy and solace, but that is overshadowed with gladness that my soul is healing and it is another testimony to me that my Savior loves me. That He really can heal our hearts.

My friend gave me an incredible book that has helped me immensely. I realize my feelings are totally normal and it has given me so much comfort. She has helped me so much, just being able to ask her questions and tell her things. Thanks, Cheri.

We went to the Temple last week. It was exactly a month since I had found out I had lost the baby. I was really nervous about how I was going to be. It was hard, but it brought so much comfort to be in a place where I felt so much peace knowing that my family is sealed forever. That I will see that baby girl of mine one day and she will be mine to hold. She is part of our forever family.

I held (I mean really held-I had tried before, but it was too hard) my 6 week old niece, Kate last week. It was therapeutic and heart wrenching all at the same time. As I cuddled her newborn smell into my neck as she slept I thought about all these little moments I would be missing with my baby girl. The little noises, the baby stretches, the late nights and the incredible peacefulness that comes from having a baby straight from heaven in your arms. It brought back the indescribable hollowness that felt like it would be there for eternity. Then I started thinking about how holding that baby was the closest thing I would be to my baby. Her little spirit was just there with Rebecca. I am sure they were good friends. Maybe their relationship was like Chloe and Livy or Calvin and Livy, two head strong girls that are inseparable and can't stand to be apart but really push each others' buttons. Or maybe they were kindred spirits like Brooke and Cami that just play quietly together all day long. It brought a bit joy to my battered soul to think about how she was just there with her. It made it so I was able to soak in that little newborn for a minute, even if it wasn't my own. Reveling in that little Spirit that had just come from heaven with Jesus, and my little Rebecca.

Trying to get out of bedtime...