modge podge of feelings

Tonight when I got home from the Relief Society broadcast the girls were in bed, but came running out as soon as I walked in the door. They were so cute. Now that they share a room they always come out together with Brooke having her arm around Livy looking so dang cute that you can't help but just smile inside. My heart melted, and they just wanted to hug me. So we had our hugs (and I was feeling kind of guilty because Ben and I had just had the conversation that morning about being strict when the girls get out of bed. Not mad, and frustrated and angry like we have been, but just plain strict). So we quickly had our hugs and then I said i would come in and sit in the chair while they fell asleep. A routine we are trying to break. As i sat there, I just felt so much love for my girls. Just listening to them talk themselves to sleep. I kept thinking 'why can't I always feel like this at bedtime. why do i always have to get frustrated. I just want to soak up this joy when they are little. i want to record Livy's babbling's in my mind forever. i want to enjoy the night time routine and this time when they are little. I don't want to keep dreading it or feeling short and temperamental with my girls.' I just sat there trying to soak up those feelings and memories.

And then 20 minutes had passed and the girls were trying to get up again and Livy wanted to be rocked (which i absolutely love doing. She cuddles right into my arm and usually falls right to sleep. But I was trying so hard to say no because of the previous conversation today.) Well I finally said okay because I knew she would fall asleep immediately. But she didn't. Instead she kept talking to me, which was very cute. And Brooke kept complaining that she wished I would still rock her even though she was big, etc....But I started to get those restless feelings inside again. That calmness and joy was quickly being overtaken by anxiousness. So i calmly told them to lay down and they had to go to sleep on their own. And I left the room. Not 5 minutes later the pitter-patter came down the hall. I quickly took them back to bed and again sat in the room. They finally fell asleep another 20 minutes later.
And I looked at them sleeping and again that rush of joy and peace came back coupled with the frustration of how hard it is for them to get to sleep.

I want to soak those night times in. I don't want to start really dreading them. So tomorrow is a new day. A new time to get back to the old habits when they were in separate rooms and Brooke fell asleep on her own and Livy stayed in her crib (although now she is not in a crib, so it is a bit of a challenge). But I have some good ideas that I want to implement so I can enjoy my girls at night and remember how fun it is to be a mom of two little girls that are so dang cute and funny!!!