Feb.17th

It started out a normal Friday, except for the fact Brooke had no school. I kept trying to think of fun things we could do to make it fun-since plans of going to the snow fell through, I wanted to make it a fun day off. We decided we would go to the park the kids had been begging for the last three days and then go see Aunt Carly's new baby, Kate. We were all anxious to see her. So it started off with the normal routine. Wake up, exercise, get kids breakfast, shower. I had an 8:30 appointment. I was excited to schedule the appointment to find out the sex of the baby. I was going to try to do it on my birthday (hoping they would still do it that late, since it would be over 21 weeks by then.) But in my mind, i thought that would be a really fun birthday present.
While managing the business of the morning, Ben told me a few times that he had woke up feeling really anxious and couldn't shake it. I thought to myself, 'Shoot, i was going to zone you last week-put that on my list for this weekend.' I kept telling him, "Its probably your appointments for work today." He nodded, but wasn't convinced. I headed out to my appointment and confirmed again to Ben that i would be back in time for him to be at his work appointment in plenty of time.
(This next part I am writing 3 weeks later. I just couldn't bring myself to write it down)
In the next 20 minutes my life turned upside down. I did the normal-weight, pee in a cup, blood pressure. And then waited patiently for the Dr. She came in and we chatted a bit. She wanted me to get an early diabetes test because of the size of my last baby (even though it was totally negative last pregnancy-what can i say, Jackson was just a big boy), but i talked her out of it. We chatted about the itchyness I had experienced most of the pregnancy. And then she wanted to check the heart beat. She was not finding it and kept saying, "It took a while to find it last time, right?" I said yes, and was still really calm, in my own blissful world. After about a minute, she looked distraught and said, "There are only two of us in the office today, come with me, we are going to an ultra-sound room. I am sure there is one available." She grabbed all of my stuff and headed out the door. Surprisingly at this point I was very calm. And then we got into the room. Within 10 seconds she just said, "I am so sorry." And I knew immediately. I don't know if I have ever cried that hard in front of someone before. She had to get another doctor to confirm that the baby was gone. Through some of the tears I blurted out one or two of the MILLION questions that were racing through my jumbled mind. "Was it because I was traveling?....Did I do too much?....How could I have known?..." In the most kind and sensitive way she just kept reassuring me that it wasn't my fault. There was nothing I could have done. She assured me that my lifestyle did not fit one that would cause this. She let me cry for a bit and kept giving me tissues. And then I asked, "What do I do now?" She very kindly gave me all of the options. Told me I didn't have to make a decision now. My head was spinning and I wished with all my heart Ben was there with me. She asked me if she should call my husband, or someone, or if I wanted to be alone for a few minutes. Then she left the room telling me I could take as long as I needed. I then sat there for a minute or so, feeling lost and alone and empty. Trying to muster up any strength to walk, I finally got up and got my purse to call Ben. As I was reaching for my phone, it began to ring. Thankfully it was Ben. I couldn't even get the words out of the sobs. He knew immediately. He told me he would come get me. I declined and made my way out of the office, somehow getting myself to the car. I felt like I was sludging through thick air and I couldn't breathe. Thankfully the Dr. office was only 3 minutes away. I made it home somehow. I walked into the house and just wanted to hold my kids. I was grasping at a void that would not be filled, but trying so hard to console myself by holding the kids so close. We sat on the couch as a family and I tried to explain to the kids what had happened. I couldn't even get it out. Livy and Brooke just kept saying, "why are you crying." I answered with "You know how mommy has a baby growing in her tummy, well sometimes..." And the words wouldn't come. I was empty. Finally I finished with, "sometimes babies just stop growing." As my eyes searched ben's for help in explaining, Brooke immediately started crying hysterically. "You mean the baby died. We aren't going to have a baby anymore." Her body was shaking as she sobbed. Thankfully Ben was holding her tight. It felt like a knife was going through my heart. It hurt so bad. And it felt like the pain just continued as we meddled through the options and the decisions of the week ahead of us. Thankfully my parents came over and took the kids for a bit while Ben and i discussed what we were going to do and called the doctor with more questions. The fog of emotions, the heartache and the emptiness had just begun.