General Conference

We love this time of year when we can listen to the prophet and apostles of the Church. Their words are powerful and inspired from God.

One Month

It has been exactly a month since I delivered. Sometimes it feels like it was a months, even years ago. And sometimes it feels like yesterday. The heartache isn't totally empty and abyss like anymore. It is still sad at times. I have moment i just start crying still, but the moments are fewer. I think about her a lot- but it isn't ALWAYS on my mind. My body is healing too, so that is less of a constant reminder of the loss. I am starting to feel like myself more. I have a lot more joy lately. For a while there, even when I was feeling "good"- I still felt like I wouldn't ever feel myself again. I thought there would forever be a sense of loss in my heart. Thankfully, that is healing too. It isn't as much an abyss of a dark hole in my soul, now it seems that there are flickers of strong light slowly filling that stark emptiness. At times I feel panges of guilt for this sense of joy and solace, but that is overshadowed with gladness that my soul is healing and it is another testimony to me that my Savior loves me. That He really can heal our hearts.

My friend gave me an incredible book that has helped me immensely. I realize my feelings are totally normal and it has given me so much comfort. She has helped me so much, just being able to ask her questions and tell her things. Thanks, Cheri.

We went to the Temple last week. It was exactly a month since I had found out I had lost the baby. I was really nervous about how I was going to be. It was hard, but it brought so much comfort to be in a place where I felt so much peace knowing that my family is sealed forever. That I will see that baby girl of mine one day and she will be mine to hold. She is part of our forever family.

I held (I mean really held-I had tried before, but it was too hard) my 6 week old niece, Kate last week. It was therapeutic and heart wrenching all at the same time. As I cuddled her newborn smell into my neck as she slept I thought about all these little moments I would be missing with my baby girl. The little noises, the baby stretches, the late nights and the incredible peacefulness that comes from having a baby straight from heaven in your arms. It brought back the indescribable hollowness that felt like it would be there for eternity. Then I started thinking about how holding that baby was the closest thing I would be to my baby. Her little spirit was just there with Rebecca. I am sure they were good friends. Maybe their relationship was like Chloe and Livy or Calvin and Livy, two head strong girls that are inseparable and can't stand to be apart but really push each others' buttons. Or maybe they were kindred spirits like Brooke and Cami that just play quietly together all day long. It brought a bit joy to my battered soul to think about how she was just there with her. It made it so I was able to soak in that little newborn for a minute, even if it wasn't my own. Reveling in that little Spirit that had just come from heaven with Jesus, and my little Rebecca.

Trying to get out of bedtime...

Cousins

Love, love, love old dance recital costumes and the way 4 year olds put costumes on! :)

Joy School

I love Joy School. Of course I don't love the thought of preparing a lesson and corralling seven 4 -year olds for 3 hours. But I definitely love watching them get so excited about the little songs and games we learn. The excitement for the art projects and finger plays. I love being immersed in my child's learning. This weeks it was my turn to teach and we are on the unit of confidence and uniqueness. We are learning all about how great it is that we are all different and unique. We did lots of coloring outlines of each child's body. They loved it!

Joy School

Dresses

Yesterday we went to get shoes for Jackson. When we walked in, there were some pretty Easter dresses in the front of the store. Livy immediately started asking if she could get one for her and Brooke. I toyed with the idea and looked at the different styles, sizes, and prices. As we were browsing, Livia said, "Mom, if baby Rebecca were here she could wear that dress when she turned 2."pointing to this purple and green dress. My heart kind of skipped a beat and then sank. I wanted to cry, but i didn't want all the emotions to come out right there in the store. I pushed them back really hard and smiled at Livy and said, "You're right. She would look so pretty in it." I decided right then that I would buy those dresses just so I would remember that moment. Not necessarily how sad I was that I wouldn't see Rebecca in the dress, but how glad I was that Livy had a place in her heart for her baby sister that she had never met.

Happy Birthday Ashley! You are such a wonderful Mom! Wish we could freeze time while these babes are small.

Final Weight

After eating a few veggie sticks thursday night and some guacamole, juicing friday breakfast and then sprouted wheat bread with avacado and balsamic vinegar for lunch I "weighed in". According to the scale i officially lost 6 pounds from the juice cleanse! YAY! And i feel great.
Some pointers for the next one (which is in a week)-
Constantly drink water.
Plan to drink more juice throughout the entire day, so i am not hungry at night.
Herbal Tea is awesome to curb the late night snacking urge.
Mind over munchies. (It really is more in our mind what we think our body "needs")
Do it with someone so you have some support.
Think about all the nutrition you are putting in your body, instead of thinking about all the things you are missing out on.

Enjoy it!

Jackson

It seems we have a break in the "terrible two's". Jackson had been an absolute terror with lots of tantrums, no eating, screaming and whining all the time and never wanted to do anything but watch Diego on the ipad and have his binky. Anything else caused a screaming fit and a grumpy boy. But in the last 10 days, that little guy has become his baby-self again. Fun, laid back, happy, smiley and cute as ever. He melts my heart. I think a lot of this change has come because he has finally started to talk. So he can tell us what he wants and express himself. And his voice and pronunciation is SO DANG CUTE! I also love, love, love the fact that he likes to poop in the toilet (potty training here we come!) and he hasn't asked for his binky outside of his crib for three days now. It is awesome.
He still loves Diego, but doesn't throw a screaming tantrum when I say no. (But he does have a huge fit when we try to get him dressed int he morning. He sure loves his sleepers).
He still doesn't eat much, but is doing better. His staples are applesauce, lara bars, noodles, fresh juice and occasionally a pb and honey sandwich. I'm hoping we will grow out of this stage too and start eating more.
He loves trains, fish, and dogs right now.
He loves to try to jump off everything.
I love his excitement when he hears a train coming behind our house.
My favorite word from him right now is how he very articulately pronounces, "Yes" to things. I love it!
He gets so excited to play with Jake and Little Forrest. Most of the time that is the only way I can get him to get dressed.
He loves to follow little Forrest around. He does everything Forrest does. Very cute, but a bit scary if this continues until teenage years.
He loves to snuggle and give me kisses (it does my heart a lot of good)
I love how he dances when he turns on the music from the keyboard.
Livy and he are such good buddies and love to "read" together in his room or play train together.
I can't get enough of his chubby cheeks!

Day four

Here is to the last day of pure juicing. I feel great so far!

Juice Cleanse

My neighbor's scale says I lost ELEVEN pounds!! Now, i have to remember that I weighed in right after a big meal in the evening and then weighed myself on the fourth morning before I had eaten (really, i mean drank) anything, so maybe a 4-5 pound difference. But hey, that still means I lost 6 or 7 pounds. I'll weigh again tonight after my juice dinner and see what it says for a more accurate reading. But I can't seem to stop smiling.

I started the cleanse Monday morning. I haven't had anything but juice and water for three full days now-well, I did have about 5 tortilla chips at my moms when I was starving during a zoning class and didn't have my juice with me, and the other night I had a bite of J's potato. But other than that it has been juice straight out of the juicer.

I feel great. I do get hungry in the evenings. I guess I shouldn't say hungry, but more have the munchies and want something to "crunch" on. I wouldn't say it has been a breeze, but it hasn't been that bad either. It definitely has shown me again (which i am reminded every time i do a cleanse) how much our emotions are tied into traditions of food or our habits revolve around food.

Ben and I and my in-laws started this cleanse after my parents and sisters had so much success with it. And I needed something to jump start me into losing weight and feeling good again. I am still feeling a bit foggy from all the emotions wrapped up in the baby. So i wanted something to help me feel good again and get me started with exercise. So we decided to do it. After watching Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead with Ben again we knew we could do it for four days. It is more mental than anything. And I am glad I have partners to do it with. It keeps me motivated to keep going even when I just want to eat.

We stuck with a lot of the same recipe and only varied a little bit, but it worked great. Maybe next time we will be a little more adventurous.
This is the base we used for most everything. Mainly because it tasted really good, and because apples and carrots were on sale and super cheap.
10-12 Apples
8-10 carrots
1 or 2 oranges (peeled)
1 lemon (with the peel)
about a Tablespoon or more of fresh ginger
Then we would add our greens and beets to that basic recipe for "lunch and dinner".
We also added pineapple, pears, or kiwis.

The only other real recipe we used was Green Lemonade.
4-5 stalks of kale or chard
2-3 green apples
3 lemons
(and I usually add a beet with the tops)

Although i was hungry the fourth day, overall I felt great.

Peace

Yesterday, on Leap Year, we buried baby Rebecca. It was more perfect than I could have ever imagined. It was just the five of us. And it was incredibly peaceful. It was very cold, but the sun was shining brightly (it was perfect because the sun was only for about 2 hours that day). There was a crisp, cleanness in the air. Ben had dug the grave earlier in the week, and cleared a beautiful spot where we had chosen together. The girls found petals from the nearby tree and started filling the grave with them and putting them on the beautiful box my dad had made for her. They were singing and happy and talking about how baby Rebecca was in heaven. Brooke explained very briefly to Livia, while they were decorating the box, that Rebecca was already living with Jesus again. Livy looked a little confused, when she looked at the box, Brooke quickly added that her spirit was already with Jesus. It was heart warming and joyful to know that my children know that we are a family forever. We took pictures and just dilly-dallied around with plants and played on the logs nearby. We said a prayer and sang songs and explained again about the Plan of Salvation, the blessing of being an eternal family because Ben and I were married in the Temple, how we will be able to see baby Rebecca when we die. Ben dedicated the grave and we let off some pink balloons. The spirit was so abundant and peaceful, I felt like it was a blanket hovering over us. Yes, there were tears shed and my heart ached a little when I thought about our family missing out on having this beautiful little girl and her tangible love and spirit in our home in the coming years. But overall, I felt joy and peace knowing she was in a good place. The knowledge and belief in the Gospel of Jesus Christ truly brings joy and love in our lives, even during hard times.