One Month

It has been exactly a month since I delivered. Sometimes it feels like it was a months, even years ago. And sometimes it feels like yesterday. The heartache isn't totally empty and abyss like anymore. It is still sad at times. I have moment i just start crying still, but the moments are fewer. I think about her a lot- but it isn't ALWAYS on my mind. My body is healing too, so that is less of a constant reminder of the loss. I am starting to feel like myself more. I have a lot more joy lately. For a while there, even when I was feeling "good"- I still felt like I wouldn't ever feel myself again. I thought there would forever be a sense of loss in my heart. Thankfully, that is healing too. It isn't as much an abyss of a dark hole in my soul, now it seems that there are flickers of strong light slowly filling that stark emptiness. At times I feel panges of guilt for this sense of joy and solace, but that is overshadowed with gladness that my soul is healing and it is another testimony to me that my Savior loves me. That He really can heal our hearts.

My friend gave me an incredible book that has helped me immensely. I realize my feelings are totally normal and it has given me so much comfort. She has helped me so much, just being able to ask her questions and tell her things. Thanks, Cheri.

We went to the Temple last week. It was exactly a month since I had found out I had lost the baby. I was really nervous about how I was going to be. It was hard, but it brought so much comfort to be in a place where I felt so much peace knowing that my family is sealed forever. That I will see that baby girl of mine one day and she will be mine to hold. She is part of our forever family.

I held (I mean really held-I had tried before, but it was too hard) my 6 week old niece, Kate last week. It was therapeutic and heart wrenching all at the same time. As I cuddled her newborn smell into my neck as she slept I thought about all these little moments I would be missing with my baby girl. The little noises, the baby stretches, the late nights and the incredible peacefulness that comes from having a baby straight from heaven in your arms. It brought back the indescribable hollowness that felt like it would be there for eternity. Then I started thinking about how holding that baby was the closest thing I would be to my baby. Her little spirit was just there with Rebecca. I am sure they were good friends. Maybe their relationship was like Chloe and Livy or Calvin and Livy, two head strong girls that are inseparable and can't stand to be apart but really push each others' buttons. Or maybe they were kindred spirits like Brooke and Cami that just play quietly together all day long. It brought a bit joy to my battered soul to think about how she was just there with her. It made it so I was able to soak in that little newborn for a minute, even if it wasn't my own. Reveling in that little Spirit that had just come from heaven with Jesus, and my little Rebecca.