Livia's family picture

Livia did drawing of our family during sacrament meeting last April.



I asked her to tell me who everyone was, she said "Dad, mom, Brooke, me, Jackson and baby Rebecca. Mom, baby Rebecca will always be in our family even though she isn't here." I was so thankful to hear that sweet testimony. It had been a really hard week and I needed that. The Lord always sends tender mercies.

Jackson

Jackson is officially potty trained. He tells me when he has to go pee, but we are still working on the other part. He is at that very fun stage of wanting to change clothes every 5 minutes. But he only wants to wear his jammies. I have to bribe him to wear regular clothes. He loves to pull around his "trains". And most of the time when I get tired of helping him change jammies, i put the on the counter when he wants them off until he runs out of them in his basket. And then he is left with just wearing his underwear. I was trying to engrave the picture of him pulling his "trains" around the house in his underwear. Or standing in front of the sunlight through the back door in just his skivs telling me about his "trains".

Dinner Comment

Brooke (Out of the blue): "I know what I would wish for if I had three wishes."
Dad: "What?"
Brooke: "First I would wish for a horse to have as a pet."
Me: "Oh, Really."
Brooke: "Then i would wish that all sugar was really healthy!!"
(Lots and lots of laughs from ben and me. I am thinking this thought process was spurred on by the fact that she couldn't have seconds until she ate her salad....which still put up a fight after years of this rule. Sometimes i just don't think she will ever get it. we aren't budging.)
"And third, I would wish for as many wishes as I wanted."
Dad: "Thats agains the rules!" :)

Piano Recital

Brooke had her first official piano recital the week before school got out. She did so great. Nana stepped in and played the duets with her at the last minute because her piano teacher had to leave out of town unexpectedly. All of us decided we would still do the recital. So Hedy played with Brooke. I have to say, an hour before the recital was not my shining moment as a mother. I was harping on Brooke so bad because she wouldn't practice, and hadn't practiced all week. (It was a stressful sunday, we had a lot of family coming for dinner, Ben had meetings, I had a meeting, I was bringing the refreshments for the recital and it was so blasting hot....). But after she performed, I thought again what  lesson it is that I need to just let Brooke do her thing, and even if it doesn't turn out how I had hoped, she will learn. But in this case, she excelled even better than she had been practicing the weeks before. So next time, no more harping from me.

Home-Grown

The girls were so excited to pick the lettuce for dinner tonight! And they even said they loved the salad. I guess it is paying off to have our own garden.

FHE

Yesterday we had a lesson in Relief Society about the importance of the temple. One of the questions posed was 'How do we help our children realize the importance of the Temple? And make a commitment to going there?' Among a lot of answers and discussion came the reminder of taking our kids to the visitor's center. So  I told Ben yesterday that that is what we were going to do for FHE. We kept telling the kids we were going to the Temple for FHE, but i guess i wasn't very clear. They grumbled when it was time to go because they wanted to swim longer with their cousins. But as we were driving there and talking about the Temple, Brooke asks, "Can we go to that place across from the Temple? With the video of the boy falling?" Ben and I both realized she was talking about the visitor's center. When we told her there was exactly where we were going she was jumping for joy! She said she loved that place. We talked more about what her and Livy liked about that place (as Livy fell asleep) and talked some more about the importance of Temples. We got there and were greeted by two exceptional sister missionaries. It was pretty empty, so it was great for the kids to have their own tour of the videos and exploring all the interactive things. It was such a great family home evening. I need to remember more often to take the time to go  there with our entire family, not just at Christmas time for the lights.

Father's Day

It seemed like Father's Day kind of snuck up on us this year. We went camping for the weekend and then ended it Saturday at a bonfire. And with traffic, even at 10:00 at night we weren't home until midnight. Since I hadn't planned ahead of time for a gift, I racked my brain for "coupon" ideas for Ben. So this year i gave him a two day motorcycle trip with my Dad and brother in Oregon (while we are there for a reunion). And even though he would've gone on the trip even if i hadn't "given" it to him, I specifically wrote on the gift card "No complaints about you being gone. No asking when you are going to be back. And lots of 'I am so glad you could go, tell me all about it.' " And all in all, i think it is one of his most favorite gifts.  We also made him a big banner of all the things we love about him! He gave his dad a once a month father/son lunch date and Brooke made lots of coupons for Ben- hugs, kisses, massage (I couldn't convince her to do no complaining when asked to do her chores...). I think it turned out to be a pretty awesome Father's Day, despite it creeping up on us!
We love you Ben! You really are the best DAD!

School Is Out!!

Yippee!! School is out and Summer is here! 

Joy School Graduation

Livia and I both thoroughly enjoyed Joy School this year. We had 7 kids in the bunch and they were so much fun. Livy was excited for graduation, but sad on the next thursday when I told her we weren't going to Joy School today. She learned lots of fun songs, did lots of great projects, and learned a lot about finding joy in life!

 We missed Ava for the graduation picture.

Family Reunion Funerals

We had to go up to Hayward today to look at some tile for a back splash. We had to stop at the light right next to the cemetery. And then they held us there while the Funeral procession went in. At first I started thinking a bit about my grandma's and grandpa's that are buried there. And then Livy started asking me questions about the man stopping traffic and I explained it was for the funeral. She immediately said, "Like Rebecca's?" Then she started talking about about how all the family was there when Grandpa Smith was there. She definitely remembers places, she was only 3 1/2 when we were there for Grandpa Smith's funeral. And we have only been back two or three other times to visit my grandparent's graves.  Then on the way back, she kept asking me, "Mom, have we passed the family reunion." After about the fifth time it finally clicked, she was asking if we had passed by the cemetery again. Shortly after I realized that, we passed it and I pointed it out. She made a cute comment about being their with cousins again and then talked about how we buried Rebecca, but not there.
That girl has a lot of things going on in her brain.

Gualala

Only two more days until we leave for Gualala. Livy has been counting down since day 14. Every morning she tells us how many days until Gualala!  We are all so excited. Sometimes it makes me miss my Grandma Smith a lot when I think about it. But it also makes me so happy she kept such an amazing tradition. And so grateful for my mom to keep it up! It is a lot of work, but we LOVE it!

(As i was writing this Livy came out of bed and put her fingers right in my face and said, "Only 2 more days! I can't wait")

 This was the last Gualala with my Grandpa Smith 2 years ago. It was because of his abolone diving that we started going. Thanks Grandpa

Pillowcases

For enrichment night, the Relief Society was making pillowcases to donate and the activity day girls were invited to come with their moms to learn how to sew. Well Brooke is a few months away from being old enough, so instead of going to sew at the church, i told Brooke I would teach her how to sew. It was a great night. Brooke loved it and it was such a great Mother/daughter activity for us. I am so glad i used the evening to spend quality time with Brooke instead of going to enrichment night. 

Napa Vacation

Jackson was surprisingly good with his finger still bandaged up. Thankfully it is healing very nicely.

Kids love hotel rooms. It doesn't seem to matter what kind. As long as there is  a pool, the kids are in heaven. Oh, and a continental breakfast. So when Ben was staying in Napa for a conference last weekend, I decided I would join him with the kids. He was there for three days, so we just headed over there the last afternoon after Brooke got out of school. Even though I knew Ben would be gone the entire time, it would still be a blast for the kids. We got to have dinner with Amber and her new baby Jordan. The kids swam in the pool forever. And Ben even got done with his conference a little bit earlier than expected on saturday, so he got to enjoy the pool with us. It was so much fun. The kids loved it. I felt like I could totally enjoy my kids. There was no schedule, no friends to meet up with, just me and the kids reading books in the hotel and playing in the pool. They loved it!

Coming along...

Brooke is an extremely picky eater. Actually, she isn't that picky when it comes to "regular" food. She will eat noodles, cream of chicken casseroles, or lasagna like a champ. But since she is lactose intolerant and I am trying to cut back on the gluten intake, our meals are nothing of what she wants to eat. But we had a break through today. When I told her we were having rice noodles she didn't wine or complain. And I noticed. So at dinner I complimented her by telling Ben what a great job she did and told the story. She then said, "I really wanted to complain and tell you how much I didn't like them. But instead i just closed my mouth and swallowed the words." And then she demonstrated how big of a swallow it was. It was so cute and it made me so happy that we are actually having some break throughs! Hallelujah.

Made in China

Brooke was so excited when she was looking at her plastic sunglasses and gleefully yelled to Ben and I, "They're not made in China." Ben and I looked at each other and just started laughing. I asked, "Where is it made?" Brooke, "Taiwan." Ben chuckled and said, "Sorry to tell you Brooke, but Taiwan is basically the same as China."  I had no clue Brooke even realized where things were made. But now that she reads,  she really does read everything. And most things say, 'Made in China' somewhere on them. Maybe I should buy more things made in the USA and see if she notices. I should be doing more of that anyway.

Tooth Fairy

On the way home from the beach yesterday, Brooke was eating an apple and her tooth fell out. Of course, she wasn't able to hold onto it for too long before she dropped it somewhere in the car. We searched and searched, but couldn't find it. (I think it just blends in so well with all the other crumbs on the floor of that van. Sad, but true.) Thankfully she wasn't too distraught about it. She very confidently said, "I'll just write the tooth fairy a note." So she did. And I am so happy that the tooth fairy didn't forget this time. Whew! This morning when Brooke woke up and got the dollar from under the pillow she said the cutest thing.

Ben asked, "Did the tooth fairy write you a note about not having your tooth?"

Brooke, "No, Dad. If you loose the tooth you just write the tooth fairy a note. And then you think about really happy things so you dream good dreams and you are smiling in your sleep. And then the tooth fairy can see that you lost your tooth."

So cute!

General Conference

We love this time of year when we can listen to the prophet and apostles of the Church. Their words are powerful and inspired from God.

One Month

It has been exactly a month since I delivered. Sometimes it feels like it was a months, even years ago. And sometimes it feels like yesterday. The heartache isn't totally empty and abyss like anymore. It is still sad at times. I have moment i just start crying still, but the moments are fewer. I think about her a lot- but it isn't ALWAYS on my mind. My body is healing too, so that is less of a constant reminder of the loss. I am starting to feel like myself more. I have a lot more joy lately. For a while there, even when I was feeling "good"- I still felt like I wouldn't ever feel myself again. I thought there would forever be a sense of loss in my heart. Thankfully, that is healing too. It isn't as much an abyss of a dark hole in my soul, now it seems that there are flickers of strong light slowly filling that stark emptiness. At times I feel panges of guilt for this sense of joy and solace, but that is overshadowed with gladness that my soul is healing and it is another testimony to me that my Savior loves me. That He really can heal our hearts.

My friend gave me an incredible book that has helped me immensely. I realize my feelings are totally normal and it has given me so much comfort. She has helped me so much, just being able to ask her questions and tell her things. Thanks, Cheri.

We went to the Temple last week. It was exactly a month since I had found out I had lost the baby. I was really nervous about how I was going to be. It was hard, but it brought so much comfort to be in a place where I felt so much peace knowing that my family is sealed forever. That I will see that baby girl of mine one day and she will be mine to hold. She is part of our forever family.

I held (I mean really held-I had tried before, but it was too hard) my 6 week old niece, Kate last week. It was therapeutic and heart wrenching all at the same time. As I cuddled her newborn smell into my neck as she slept I thought about all these little moments I would be missing with my baby girl. The little noises, the baby stretches, the late nights and the incredible peacefulness that comes from having a baby straight from heaven in your arms. It brought back the indescribable hollowness that felt like it would be there for eternity. Then I started thinking about how holding that baby was the closest thing I would be to my baby. Her little spirit was just there with Rebecca. I am sure they were good friends. Maybe their relationship was like Chloe and Livy or Calvin and Livy, two head strong girls that are inseparable and can't stand to be apart but really push each others' buttons. Or maybe they were kindred spirits like Brooke and Cami that just play quietly together all day long. It brought a bit joy to my battered soul to think about how she was just there with her. It made it so I was able to soak in that little newborn for a minute, even if it wasn't my own. Reveling in that little Spirit that had just come from heaven with Jesus, and my little Rebecca.

Trying to get out of bedtime...

Cousins

Love, love, love old dance recital costumes and the way 4 year olds put costumes on! :)

Joy School

I love Joy School. Of course I don't love the thought of preparing a lesson and corralling seven 4 -year olds for 3 hours. But I definitely love watching them get so excited about the little songs and games we learn. The excitement for the art projects and finger plays. I love being immersed in my child's learning. This weeks it was my turn to teach and we are on the unit of confidence and uniqueness. We are learning all about how great it is that we are all different and unique. We did lots of coloring outlines of each child's body. They loved it!

Joy School

Dresses

Yesterday we went to get shoes for Jackson. When we walked in, there were some pretty Easter dresses in the front of the store. Livy immediately started asking if she could get one for her and Brooke. I toyed with the idea and looked at the different styles, sizes, and prices. As we were browsing, Livia said, "Mom, if baby Rebecca were here she could wear that dress when she turned 2."pointing to this purple and green dress. My heart kind of skipped a beat and then sank. I wanted to cry, but i didn't want all the emotions to come out right there in the store. I pushed them back really hard and smiled at Livy and said, "You're right. She would look so pretty in it." I decided right then that I would buy those dresses just so I would remember that moment. Not necessarily how sad I was that I wouldn't see Rebecca in the dress, but how glad I was that Livy had a place in her heart for her baby sister that she had never met.

Happy Birthday Ashley! You are such a wonderful Mom! Wish we could freeze time while these babes are small.

Final Weight

After eating a few veggie sticks thursday night and some guacamole, juicing friday breakfast and then sprouted wheat bread with avacado and balsamic vinegar for lunch I "weighed in". According to the scale i officially lost 6 pounds from the juice cleanse! YAY! And i feel great.
Some pointers for the next one (which is in a week)-
Constantly drink water.
Plan to drink more juice throughout the entire day, so i am not hungry at night.
Herbal Tea is awesome to curb the late night snacking urge.
Mind over munchies. (It really is more in our mind what we think our body "needs")
Do it with someone so you have some support.
Think about all the nutrition you are putting in your body, instead of thinking about all the things you are missing out on.

Enjoy it!

Jackson

It seems we have a break in the "terrible two's". Jackson had been an absolute terror with lots of tantrums, no eating, screaming and whining all the time and never wanted to do anything but watch Diego on the ipad and have his binky. Anything else caused a screaming fit and a grumpy boy. But in the last 10 days, that little guy has become his baby-self again. Fun, laid back, happy, smiley and cute as ever. He melts my heart. I think a lot of this change has come because he has finally started to talk. So he can tell us what he wants and express himself. And his voice and pronunciation is SO DANG CUTE! I also love, love, love the fact that he likes to poop in the toilet (potty training here we come!) and he hasn't asked for his binky outside of his crib for three days now. It is awesome.
He still loves Diego, but doesn't throw a screaming tantrum when I say no. (But he does have a huge fit when we try to get him dressed int he morning. He sure loves his sleepers).
He still doesn't eat much, but is doing better. His staples are applesauce, lara bars, noodles, fresh juice and occasionally a pb and honey sandwich. I'm hoping we will grow out of this stage too and start eating more.
He loves trains, fish, and dogs right now.
He loves to try to jump off everything.
I love his excitement when he hears a train coming behind our house.
My favorite word from him right now is how he very articulately pronounces, "Yes" to things. I love it!
He gets so excited to play with Jake and Little Forrest. Most of the time that is the only way I can get him to get dressed.
He loves to follow little Forrest around. He does everything Forrest does. Very cute, but a bit scary if this continues until teenage years.
He loves to snuggle and give me kisses (it does my heart a lot of good)
I love how he dances when he turns on the music from the keyboard.
Livy and he are such good buddies and love to "read" together in his room or play train together.
I can't get enough of his chubby cheeks!

Day four

Here is to the last day of pure juicing. I feel great so far!

Juice Cleanse

My neighbor's scale says I lost ELEVEN pounds!! Now, i have to remember that I weighed in right after a big meal in the evening and then weighed myself on the fourth morning before I had eaten (really, i mean drank) anything, so maybe a 4-5 pound difference. But hey, that still means I lost 6 or 7 pounds. I'll weigh again tonight after my juice dinner and see what it says for a more accurate reading. But I can't seem to stop smiling.

I started the cleanse Monday morning. I haven't had anything but juice and water for three full days now-well, I did have about 5 tortilla chips at my moms when I was starving during a zoning class and didn't have my juice with me, and the other night I had a bite of J's potato. But other than that it has been juice straight out of the juicer.

I feel great. I do get hungry in the evenings. I guess I shouldn't say hungry, but more have the munchies and want something to "crunch" on. I wouldn't say it has been a breeze, but it hasn't been that bad either. It definitely has shown me again (which i am reminded every time i do a cleanse) how much our emotions are tied into traditions of food or our habits revolve around food.

Ben and I and my in-laws started this cleanse after my parents and sisters had so much success with it. And I needed something to jump start me into losing weight and feeling good again. I am still feeling a bit foggy from all the emotions wrapped up in the baby. So i wanted something to help me feel good again and get me started with exercise. So we decided to do it. After watching Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead with Ben again we knew we could do it for four days. It is more mental than anything. And I am glad I have partners to do it with. It keeps me motivated to keep going even when I just want to eat.

We stuck with a lot of the same recipe and only varied a little bit, but it worked great. Maybe next time we will be a little more adventurous.
This is the base we used for most everything. Mainly because it tasted really good, and because apples and carrots were on sale and super cheap.
10-12 Apples
8-10 carrots
1 or 2 oranges (peeled)
1 lemon (with the peel)
about a Tablespoon or more of fresh ginger
Then we would add our greens and beets to that basic recipe for "lunch and dinner".
We also added pineapple, pears, or kiwis.

The only other real recipe we used was Green Lemonade.
4-5 stalks of kale or chard
2-3 green apples
3 lemons
(and I usually add a beet with the tops)

Although i was hungry the fourth day, overall I felt great.

Peace

Yesterday, on Leap Year, we buried baby Rebecca. It was more perfect than I could have ever imagined. It was just the five of us. And it was incredibly peaceful. It was very cold, but the sun was shining brightly (it was perfect because the sun was only for about 2 hours that day). There was a crisp, cleanness in the air. Ben had dug the grave earlier in the week, and cleared a beautiful spot where we had chosen together. The girls found petals from the nearby tree and started filling the grave with them and putting them on the beautiful box my dad had made for her. They were singing and happy and talking about how baby Rebecca was in heaven. Brooke explained very briefly to Livia, while they were decorating the box, that Rebecca was already living with Jesus again. Livy looked a little confused, when she looked at the box, Brooke quickly added that her spirit was already with Jesus. It was heart warming and joyful to know that my children know that we are a family forever. We took pictures and just dilly-dallied around with plants and played on the logs nearby. We said a prayer and sang songs and explained again about the Plan of Salvation, the blessing of being an eternal family because Ben and I were married in the Temple, how we will be able to see baby Rebecca when we die. Ben dedicated the grave and we let off some pink balloons. The spirit was so abundant and peaceful, I felt like it was a blanket hovering over us. Yes, there were tears shed and my heart ached a little when I thought about our family missing out on having this beautiful little girl and her tangible love and spirit in our home in the coming years. But overall, I felt joy and peace knowing she was in a good place. The knowledge and belief in the Gospel of Jesus Christ truly brings joy and love in our lives, even during hard times.

Ups

This morning has been a good day. I got up with Jackson's firsts babbling, instead of rolling over and feeling the burdens sink me deeper in my bed. The last week I have just layed there trying to push away the feelings of depression as I think about starting another day and facing all the emotions and just wait for Ben to get up with Jackson. But I got up and moved forward with the day. Jackson and I read some books and did puzzles. I just cherished his good mood. I walked out to the kitchen to find the 5 vases of incredibly beautiful flowers filling the room with sunshine, even though it was raining outside. I made a mental note that today I was choosing to have a good day. I still cried at the sight of some bibs in the drawer. I still cried in the shower, like everyday. The water seems to help the tears flow and then wipe them away. But at least i got in the shower before noon. This journey is tough, but the burdens feel lighter each day.

Feelings

The last 24 hours I find myself in a dream-like state picturing Rebecca as a little girl. For some reason I picture her with Jackson's coloring. I wonder if she would have Livy's outward stubbornness and spunk with that hidden softness. Or would she be more gentle and incredibly sensitive like Brooke. Would she have been a quiet baby and toddler like Jackson? I am sure she would have been chunky like all my babies.
In all of this experience, I have learned again how much our Heavenly Father and our Savior love us. Contrary to what I would've thought some of my reactions would have been, I have never felt mad or angry. Instead I was constantly filled with peace, even when the fog felt thick and numb. I had a deep seeded peace. Even when i had so many fears and unknowns I had a quiet, but incredibly strong testimony in my whole body that everything would be okay. My testimony of the amazing powers of the Atonement were strengthened even more. Along with the healing powers, came the constant reminder that even if my questions weren't answered here and at this time-everything was taken care of. I still feel the natural feelings of indescribable sadness, but I know it will be okay. I still feel like i walk around not knowing what to do at times, like my mind can't focus. But through it all i feel wrapped in the comfort of the Savior. I have comfort knowing the plan of salvation. Its time like these that the knowledge of eternal families and being sealed in the Temple brings a joy that can never be overshadowed.

February 26th

As I stood over the sink washing dishes and cleaning up dinner, it hit me again-like it seems to do every few hours, or minutes sometimes. The tears started flooding, at least this time they were a little more controllable. I thought how just 10 short hours ago, i delivered a little baby girl. I know there was an incredible warmth in that hospital room, but even with the power of all the pleaded prayers and the peace that hung over us and enveloped us, I still felt like my heart was breaking. Looking back, it was a sharp dichotomy of pure sorrow coupled with immense peace.

Instead of the thick fog and the indescribable numbness that I lived in the week before, constantly fearing the unknown that lay ahead-would I ever go into labor, would my body let me deliver this baby, would i be able to find out the gender, or would I always have those deep questions leering in the pit of my stomach forever if I had to do the surgery. Rather now, i just have sharps pangs of sadness. Heartache wishing i could hold that baby and watch her grow to be the little person God had in mind. As I thought about the birthing experience- it felt like it had happened days or even weeks ago. But when I glanced at the clock it was only hours before. It felt surreal.

It felt so good to have Brooke, Livia and Jackson at the hospital and to come home with them. Although it was chaos as

usual the minute they walked through that door, I had learned more immensely than ever in

the short hours before, to cherish each moment with them. i smiled while Brooke and Livy played with the hospital bed. Asking kindly not to play with it too much, instead of being frustrated like I usually would have been.

When we got home, I was excited to lay on the floor and play memory with Livy. I was feeling joy and gratitude for the three children I was so privileged to look after in this life. After the game I stayed laying on the floor. My mind quickly went back to the memory of delivering that little baby girl in the hospital that morning. I thought about the name we had chosen, Rebecca Ann. The tears couldn't be stopped and I felt so much gratitude for my Father in Heaven. That he blessed me to be able to birth that baby and finding out the gender. I was overcome with this endless joy that i just felt like that was the most perfect and beautiful name for this little girl. I started dreaming of what she would be like as a toddler. What would she look like, what would her personality be like, would she have been a good sleeper? And then that enormous sadness set in-how i wished so badly i could raise that child now. How much i wanted to cuddle her as a newborn. How much I wanted to see my older kids interact with Rebecca. So many wishes in my heart. My sadness was slowly overcome with gratitude again that the Lord granted me the greatest wish in my heart, to deliver this baby and find out the gender. And in the process, I was able to feel the love of my Savior by feeling the peace that comes from knowing the Atonement works everything out. I was able to feel the constant love and support from my husband. I was reminded again of what an incredible man I am married to. Even through this very hard mortal experience-we are truly blessed. The blessings of the knowledge of the Gospel of Jesus Christ are etched on your heart more than ever before. Families are eternal. My testimony of this has let me feel light and hope during this sad and hard time, instead of emptiness and despair. Even when it is hard-there are so many blessings.